The journalists at the Onion News Network will do anything to stay at the top of their game. And if they can't find a great story, they'll create one.
David Bryant
Sam West
Jillian
Ed Musgrove
Helena Zweibel
Cameron Grey
Courtney Carter
Abigail
Daytime News Anchor (as Jodi Applegate-Kay)
Kip O'Rourke
Terrorist
Vivian
Archibald Zweibel
Father Zweibel
Kid
Old Lady
Producer
Kidnapper (uncredited)
